It's a boy & I'm FREAKING out!

In case you missed it, baby #2 is a boy!

We were kind of shocked to learn it was a boy because I think most parents expect a baby of the opposite gender with their second child. That and with all of the timing of everything as it just so happened it would seem to indicate a girl would most likely be the end product. When I told my sister-in-law this she freaked out since she wants her third child to be a girl like a pageant mom wants her daughter to be Miss America - and she does plan accordingly. All must be aligned; if she weren't Christian I'm sure sorcerers would be hired to make special potions and concoctions to draw all of the 'x' chromosomes.

Before we got preggo and before I did any math in my head I was fine with either gender. It would be nice to have a girl but at the same time I am having so much fun with Gavin and love him so much that another boy would be great, too.

Then I had to go and think it was a girl and I started to look at girl stuff - mostly clothes. Girl clothes are so cute. There are such cute dresses and tights and shoes and bows for the hair that I let myself get carried away.

Then my little dream of a little girl vanished. I just stared at the ultraound screen and his little boy part and fought back a few tears for the girl I wasn't going to have. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want my voice to crack.

Almost as quickly as I thought, "It's not a girl," and realized I was sad about it I instantly felt like a horrible mother to my little boy. I don't want him to ever think that I would rather have a girl in place of him. I just had to adjust the reality of having a boy with the vision I had of having a girl.

If this little guy is half as cuddly as Gavin is then I'm going to be especially blessed.

Ryan was telling me in the ultrasound room how much fun Gavin and his brother are going to have playing together. Of course I was still in a bit of shock and instead of smiling at my husband trying to comfort me I snapped at him. I guess I take it personally when people tell me Gavin is so lucky to have a brother because I am the second child - my older sibling is a boy. Did that make my brother unlucky to have me as a sibling? Did we not have fun playing together? Would his childhood had been better if I had been a boy? I know they are just trying to be nice and helpful and show me how wonderful it is going to be. It really is unfortunate for Ryan that he isnt' a mind reader.

Of course I am excited now to have this little boy. I wouldn't trade him or his brother for a girl. How could I? My little G is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Even on days when I reach my breaking point and wish I could escape for a day or two and be in complete solitude after a couple of hours of being away (or if he is taking a really long nap) I miss the little turkey. Of course with #2 being a boy it makes it even more likely that there will be a #3.

I am 19 weeks and a half weeks right now - if #2 comes stays in as long as Gavin did then I'm past halfway but will officially be halfway as of Saturday. This pregnancy is going by so much faster than the first. Part of me is glad its going by fast because the blah parts of pregnancy are also going by fast but the other part of me wants time to slow down so I can soak up as much one-on-one time with Gavin as I can.

My biggest concern right now is how I'm going to share Gavin. It was only a couple of days ago that I realized the way I was framing the question, "How am I going to share Gavin?" was a little skewed. It is Gavin that is going to have to share me but in my head it is I who is sharing him. I don't know how I'm going to deal with not having so much time with my little G-man.

Am I going to end up being the world's grumpiest mom to Gavin? Is baby #2 going to be a horrible sleeper like Gavin was? Sure, Gavin was a mellow little dude as he didn't scream much but he also didn't sleep much. He woke up every 90 minutes - 2 hours for the first several months then went down to 2-3 hours then 3-4 hours until he finally started sleeping through the night when he was 14 months old!!!

Is my house going to fall into complete disarray and utter chaos? (Or even more disarray and greater chaos)? How am I going to do laundry and vacuum up all of the freakin' dog hair (she's ten times worse than the cats) and make Gavin lunch when I am running on zero sleep? How am I going to have the energy to play with my little G when I'm so tired that I cry when I see a tiny patch of dog hair that I missed with the vacuum and am too crazy to leave it alone and drag out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum up the stray dog hairs I missed on the first pass?

How?

Short of becoming rich and hiring a nanny - how am I going to do this and still be a decent mom to my little guys?

If, especially after reading that freak out, you think I'm crazy for wanting three kids. If you think two is plenty and I should be content with having two kids instead of three and have reasons enough to write a novel about the virtues of two children versus three, that is fine. Write the novel on why it is better to have two kids instead of three - just don't give me a copy of the book.

Oh, and don't get cute and say, "But, April, I thought you wanted four kids!" Four is still on the table. The above paragraph applies to comments about having four children as well. I know all of the reasons to not have more kids and I don't want to hear it anymore.

Ooh, look at me getting all grumpy. Maybe its time I try to go back to sleep.