Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Positively Criminal

Not liking the reflection I saw in the full length mirror on the closet door in my bedroom I opened it and started looking for a hat. I grabbed a navy Mariner's hat and quickly twirled my hair in a loose bun and shoved the mass into the hat.

It was not an improvement.

Maybe changing out of my Old Navy tissue paper thin V-neck shirt with fresh oil splatters, well worn brown lounging house pants and light blue foam flip flops that were in a gift bag from one of Ryan's company picnics of yesteryear (man, I really miss those picnics) would have been a better option.

Oh, wait. None of that would have helped because my face was such a freaking disaster. I know in my last post I said I wasn't going to reveal the horror that was (is) my face. I changed my mind. If I was really courageous I would have taken a photo but that kind of photo only belongs in a dermatology text book.

Even though I was disgusted with my appearance I had to leave the house to go get some food. And by food I mean a milkshake. I preferred the milkshakes at Jack in the Box but McDonald's has bigger straws. My lips were so swollen that they were pushing into my teeth and the extra suction that is required to pull the shake up to my mouth from a thin straw versus a big straw was too much. Bigger straw = less sucking & lip bending = less lip strain. Lip strain = cracking = yuckiness.

Looking in the mirror by the front door one last time to make sure my lips hadn't actually exploded from the short walk from the bedroom to the front door I started to make my move. First I opened the squeaky baby gate and stuck my neck in the entry way/foyer/enclosed porch/catch all shoe storage area and very slowly craned my neck to the left to look out the window. No sight of neighbor Steffan, or worse, his daughter. She's a lovely little girl but lovely or not she would ask, "What's wrong with your face?" Looking straight ahead and across the street I saw someone walking down the street but no one was loitering.

My next move was going to be the riskiest. I had to open the door to see if Jeff or Ron were out and if anyone was walking down my side of the street. All clear. Now I just had to get down two flights of stairs and into the car without being seen.

With eyes to the ground I quickly exited the house and made a point of turning and facing the house as I closed the gate to give the person across the street more time to pass and be out of sight before I got to the car. Once in side the car I breathed a little easier until I realized I was not invisible, you know, being surrounded by glass and all.

I quickly made my move to exit the neighborhood. As I dropped down the hill I relaxed since it was just one lane in each direction and I didn't have to worry about anyone staring at me. Once at the bottom of the hill I was very careful where I stopped at the red lights. I tried to stop in between the cars on the right so when they casually looked out their drivers side window Iwould be out of their line of sight.

There was little I could do at the drive through, though. I placed my order as clearly as I could for my milkshake. My juiced up lips made my speech a little hard to decipher. Think: post dentist Novocaine speech impairment.

With exact money in hand I drove up to the first window. "Hi! How ya doin'?" Great. I got a friendly one. With my eyes glued on the steering wheel I mumbled, "Fine, tanks,", (not a typo; I wasn't so good with the "th" sound). After he counted the money and closed the window I went to the next window.

"Hi. How 'ya doin' today?"

"Mmm. Fine, tanks," I said and peeped up at him trying to acknowledge him without revealing my face. It didn't work. He saw the horror that was my face and screamed.

OK. He didn't scream but I saw a very fleeting shocked look in his eyes. He quickly smiled again and handed me my breakfast/lunch in the form of a milkshake. "Have a great day!" he said as I grabbed the shake and made my getaway.

All of this skulking around makes me feel a bit criminal. I am in hiding after all.

Going to the doctor's office was agony the first time. Yesterday was even worse. My lips were so big they were pushing into my teeth. My lips and chin were flaming red and covered in crusty orange serous fluid that, if I wasn't careful would trickle down my chin. Man that tickles. And is super gross. *Super* To avoid leaving a trail around the house I slathered Vaseline on gauze squares and pasted them to my chin. At night I put one over my mouth as well. And to make sure I wasn't going to ruin my pillow I put an old t-shirt over the already cased pillow.

I went through 25 pieces of gauze in a 24 hour period. After 4 days of antiviral medication and ever ballooning lips I decided another trip to the doc was in order.

She was taken aback. Again. I've shocked her a few times. It's never good to shock your doctor. Or to get the sympathetic looks from the receptionist and M.A.

I left with 3 new prescriptions.

Prednisone for the swelling

Vicodin for the pain. I went for broke the first dose. I took 2 of the recommended 1-2 tabs. That was one too many. I felt gooood. But I should aim for just feeling normal and not gooood.

Keflex for the STAPH infection.

Having open wounds on your mouth directly below your staph harboring nose is not so good.

The good news is that the prednisone took the swelling down in a matter of hours! Now I'm just a red crusty mess instead of a red crusty swollen mess.

I feel positively beautiful.

Well, positively not completely hideous.

It's a start.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh April, I was hoping you were feeling better by now! Boo!! I'm glad the swelling is down finally. Maybe I can bring you a milkshake?

-Heidi

apriljahns said...

My lips are just about back to normal - complete with lovely pink new skin. My milkshake days are behind me. : ( And my 'roid rage days lie ahead at least for the next three days while I take prednisone. ROAR!!!
Thanks for the offer. It is especially tempting since you live close to Kidd Valley and they have nummy peanut butter milkshakes. But no.... no.... no....