Bravery

What is bravery? Is it facing ones fears? Some fears I understand completely. Fear of heights? Sure. I see it. Unless that fear is all consuming when standing on a step ladder. Fearful when you are several stories in the air and looking down? It seems only natural to be afraid. Fear of flying? Now that makes complete sense to me. God did not create human beings to be sealed in a metal tube and flung through the atmosphere at speeds that can break the sound barrier. Really.

Every time I have to fly I wake up the morning of with a premonition that something awful is going to happen. There is really only one awful thing that can happen when you fear flying - crashing in a fiery inferno. Wait, isn't an inferno by definition fiery? Right? Or crashing in the ocean or getting blown up by a crazy jihadist. All of those roads lead to death. Not a good fate.

Each time I fly I have that premonition. Each time I take that premonition and I walk it over to a drawer in my brain labeled, "crazy". I take a small gold key and carefully unlock the drawer and open it just wide enough and just long enough to shove the crazy flying premonition inside and as soon as it is safely tucked inside I slam the drawer shut before other stored crazies try to escape.

Having secured the crazy premonition in the crazy file where it belongs I walk over to the very small drawer labeled, "logic". I open the drawer and thumb through the smattering of files until I come to "safety". There I learn it is far safer to fly than it is to drive.

Uh-oh. Just by mentioning how much safer it is to fly than it is to drive leads one to ponder how dangerous it is to drive. Before long I am fearing a fiery car crash on the way to the airport.

Ugh. Time to take the fear of driving file over the "crazy" file. But, wait. It's not crazy to be afraid for your life when you are in a car.

Round and round we go.

But I digress. Actually, I'm stalling. I think I'm hoping that if I ramble enough people will lose interest and quit reading because I'm trying to build up enough courage to write about this. A month or so ago when I set out on this quest a girlfriend said I should blog about it so she can follow along.

Gulp.

I've told many girlfriends about this goal I have for myself. But telling a couple of people is one thing. Putting it in writing is another thing.

But it is in writing and soon it will have a photo to go with it. And that photo will have my name scrawled above it. And a number below it. And it will be posted at my gym.

I entered a weight loss challenge at my gym.

It is pretty scary because I know a lot of people from my previous job, my old neighborhood and my church who go to my gym. They are going to see me in ill fitting clothes with my weight clearly posted below the very unflattering picture of me.

Yes! I'm not making this up! This probably sounds like a nightmare for most women. The fitness manager at the gym tried talking some sense into me when I was nervous about having my photo and weight up for all to see. He said, "People see you every day just like this. Now it's just a photo."

Um.... whatever. First of all, I go to great lengths to buy clothes that minimize my size. He specifically asked me to wear clothes that show my shape which I understand. It's hard to get a good idea of a before and after if I tried to camoflauge my shape with the help of clothes that hit in all the right spots to hide my bulging, well, everything. And second of all, I don't walk around with an a-board on me that has my weight written down for all to see.

It's really hard to put this down in writing for everyone to read. Friends who have known me for a long time knew me as a thin person. A few years ago when I first gained a bunch of weight my younger brother couldn't believe his eyes when he saw me at Christmas. He told me the following year after I had lost the weight that he was in shock at how much weight I had gained. If I lose 20 pounds I will be at that heavy weight that first shocked him.

The super vain girl in me - yes, I do have a resident vain girl but you would never know it by my lack of fashionable clothes, make-up and put together hair - thinks about the horror of an old flame somehow reading this and thinking, "Whew, dodged that bullet." It's all lame, I know. Why should I care what anyone thinks?

But I do.

So, any readers left? Is it safe for me to be brave and tell the world how much I weigh?

*deep breath*

176 pounds.

As of tonight.

I have already lost 10 pounds since Christmas.

Oh, wait. I think if I listen carefully enough I can hear people thinking of excuses for me.

"But, April, you just had a baby."

"You had two babies in two years."

"You look great."

"It's just a number."

I can only blame 10 pounds on baby. I gained all of this weight, save 10 pounds, before I had kids.

My goal is to lose 50 pounds. I have 40 to go. Fortunately for me I have breastfeeding on my side. I also have breastfeeding working against me. As a breastfeeding woman I am allowed an extra 500 calories a day. If I weren't breastfeeding I should only consume 1500 calories a day but since I have a resident milk muncher I am allowed 2000 calories a day.

To help me get to my goal I hired a personal trainer at the gym. I see her twice a week and twice a week she kicks my butt. And my abs, and my arms, and my glutes...

Since starting with the trainer a few things have happened that kind of put a damper on my exercising.

1) Two colds. Nothing like the inability to breath or swallow your own saliva without it feeling like gargling broken glass to put a damper on your exercise.

2) Tendonitis and various foot ailments. Really? Really? A stupid tendon in a stupid toe wants to come between me and a size 6? I would say it is trying to come between me and a bikini but I have no hope of my stomach being bikini worthy ever again. Sure it will shrink in size but my stomach may end of giving Suki the Saggy Baggy Elephant a run for his money.

3) Sleep deprivation. Theo quit sleeping well. He decided to wake up every 1-2 hours, 3 if I'm lucky. It's really hard to get your cardio in when your head feels like a lead balloon. Last night I laid my head down on the dining room table with my arm spread out on either side. I felt like could have slept comfortably for hours. But nooooo... I had to go make dinner. And by make I mean "make". There was some button pushing and re-heating of rice and beans from Taco del Mar for Gavin and heating a frozen Indian chicken and rice dinner for me. Take that Pioneer Woman.

But I am doing something right. I'm counting every little calorie. Every. Little. Calorie. I'm walking a bit more and when I have a bit of energy left over in the evening and am not doing the head bob on the couch I do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD workout.

And it's working.

My face looks a little thinner and by thinner I mean slightly less fat. My jeans fit a little better. My tops aren't so darn snug.

When I notice I'm losing weight it strengthens my resolve to stick with it. Success begets success.