So much to learn - so much I don't need to see

We took our first childbirth class last Saturday. It covered just about everything except conception - if anyone needed help with that then they are in serious trouble. We got to learn all about the stages of labor and saw lots of fun charts showing how often contractions are and how intense they are at each of the four stages of labor. Each stage of labor had a woman's face to show her emotional state. The face starts out with a big smile - she's happy because labor has started and, hey! It's not that bad. Then the faces become more and more disconcerting. The last face is shows a woman who looks like Satan incarnate; she is obviously not enjoying labor.

The instructor also showed some old videos; so old they were on cassette. Hm, I remember watching film in class on the old film reel. That dates me. Anyway, the video. It was an old tape that had been played many times and had some wear and tear on it. The instructor forewarned us that the beginning of the video was shaky but it was not the tape it was a problem with the TV.

Let me see, if the problem always occurs at the same time during video I don't think it is a problem with the TV. The video started and the picture starting shaking and doing all sorts of things that made me kind of nauseous but it was brief. I turned to Ryan and whispered, "Remember, it's not the tape, it's the TV. There must be a little man behind the TV shaking it." We quietly snickered trying to not draw attention to ourselves.

We saw video of women during each stage of labor. The first ones we watched were of women who were having a natural vaginal birth. We saw the fun loving oohs and ahhs of the first stage of labor then saw the women in pain in the final throes of labor. Its funny they don't show video of women who scream and swear. I would not be a good candidate for the video as I imagine I would not be one of the women who quietly groan while pushing a watermelon out of her body.

My favorite part of the video was the segment they showed of the women who had epidurals. They went through the first two stages of labor and experienced enough pain for them to realize they didn't want to experience more pain so they had an epidural. The transformation is amazing. They felt enough to push but not enough to push them over the edge of sanity. That is what I want. I don't mind some pain. I just don't want pain that will make me cry and ask God to kill me, kill me now!

My least favorite part, even worse than the women in all of the pain was actually watching the baby be born. Gross. I've seen 2 'normal' births and one Cesarean. I thought those were gross, too. But, April! You say. It is a miracle. I agree, the whole process of a new life being created and carried around in your belly IS a miracle. It just so happens that the end part of the miracle is GROSS.

I don't need to see a human come out of a human. I certainly don't need to see a placenta come out of a human. Ryan really didn't appreciate that part of the video. I'm surprised he didn't close his eyes.

The funniest part of the video occurred right after the grossest part. The seconds old newborn was placed on his mother's chest and she looked down at the new center of her universe and said in a sweet, breathy voice, "Oh, Rodger! (pause) He doesn't look like a human." The whole class cracked up. Her baby was one ugly creature - all blue and white and covered in yuck.

Oh, boy! I can't wait for my turn!

I'm sure the mail readership is not so happy with this post right now.

Tough cookies.

If the woman is in pain the man can at least stomach some of the gory details because, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

We have another all day class this Saturday, "Preparing for Postpartum" (meaning the time after you deliver the baby). Unfortunately Ryan may not be able to attend this class. Ed, Ryan's soccer buddy who is a contractor by day and was going to do the drywall in our basement, fell ill the week he had set aside time to work in our basement. Fortunately Ed is able to come on Friday and Ryan is going to take the day off to help Ed as Ryan picked 5/8" drywall for the ceiling in an effort to minimize sagging and to help reduce noise transmission between the two floors. 5/8" drywall is SUPER heavy. Super. Duper. I think one sheet weighs 200 pounds. Ryan is going to be super duper sore on Sunday. He'll probably be really sore on Saturday but he's going to stick around to help Ed do more work on the basement so he'll just have to wait until Sunday to decompress. I was really upset when I realized he was going to miss the class on Saturday. I think this is the one that is all about bringing baby home. Kind of an important class.
I threw a small fit when I realized I had to choose between Ryan taking the class and work being done on the basement (most all of my fits are small and involve whining and a few tears - the bigger the fit the more the tears).

I'm going to be all by my lonesome in class. I'll get the conspicuous but trying to be inconspicuous stares from the other couples. Oh, well.