How is it possible to love and hate something simultaneously? Love and hate are on such opposite ends of the spectrum that it seems impossible that they could co-exist. Right now I'm rediscovering a love - hate relationship: pregnancy.
I am 21 weeks and am entering into the part of the pregnancy that I hate, although it turns out I'm hating it for different reasons this time around.
With Gavin I felt drained all day, every day. Then of course there was the lack of ankles, feet that felt like they would splice open at any given moment from the swelling, fat sausage fingers that felt so taut that bending them could be a tad uncomfortable, the asthma and hip and back pain... plus the 3+ trips to the bathroom every night to pee two drops worth.
This pregnancy feels much more mild thus far; I guess there is still plenty of time for it go south. I believe this time last year I was already having difficulty breathing, my ankles were long gone and I was actually making more trips to the bathroom and the hip pain was much, much worse (probably because I sat in a chair for 8 hours a day).
So, if it is so much less awful this time why would I hate still hate it? I'll tell you why. It all revolves around sleep. For the past three weeks I have been waking up between 2:30 and 4:30 in the morning. I lay there like a good girl and try to fall back asleep. Then my brain slowly turns on and before you know it I have a hundred thoughts running through my head. I try so hard when I get up to go the bathroom to remain in a somewhat sleepy state. I only half open my eyes and repeat, "stay asleep" in my head over and over. Then when I crawl back in bed I lay there half expecting to fall back asleep. But no... my brain is fully engaged.
After about a half hour of just hoping I'll fall back asleep I give up and grab Ryan's Nintendo DS and play hearts. Sometimes I'll get bored enough to turn it off and close my eyes but sleep doesn't follow. After a half hour of stupid games I succumb to wakefulness and get out of bed. I check my e-mail and get on facebook to see who else is up and what happened since I went to bed -usually not much has happened.
About 6:00-6:30 I'm ready to climb back in bed for the deepest, most relaxing sleep of the 'night'. Between 7:00-7:30 Gavin wakes up. If Ryan is still home he'll get him out of his crib and bring him to me. I let him crawl over me in the bed for a few minutes before I drag myself out of bed. Then I throw my pillow on the floor in the living room and lay down. If I'm lucky Gavin wants to read books. He brings me a "boo" and I hold it over my face so he can't see my eyes closed and I recite the books from memory. If I'm unlucky - which I have been this week he puts his hand to his mouth and says, "me, me, me, me, me, me" - which means in Gavin speak "Feed me". Then I get to put the hungry toddler in his high chair as he begins to whine because his food does not magically appear on his tray as soon as its snapped in place.
Whining, especially in the morning when you are running on empty, is especially annoying. I have zero tolerance for whining. Zero.
After breakfast I try to do some form of cleaning - usually the kitchen from the night before but that doesn't last long because Gavin is soon clinging to my leg asking me to read him another "boo" or he is trying to climb on dining room chairs so he can climb onto the dining room table. Oy.
At some point I manage to get dressed and we can leave the house to do something, anything. Although it appears my days of shopping with Gavin are coming to an end. He is always trying to climb out of the cart or slip out of the stroller and he screams when I try to put him back.
I could handle the toddler behavior a little bit more if I wasn't so tired all of the time. We are down to our last four months of just the two of us (during the day) and I want to enjoy our summer time together before the new baby arrives this fall when the weather turns wet and gloomy. Its so hard to feel like a good mom when you are so tired you just want to lay on the floor and hope that your toddler is content climbing on you like a jungle gym. That certainly won't win me the most engaging mom of the year award.
And then there is today of course. After my midnight waking I managed to lull myself back to sleep (feet at the head of the bed and head at the foot) when I heard the dog howl. She had herself a little doggy dream. I find her little barks and such cute when I'm awake and watching her little paws twitch and her cheeks puff out as she sleep barks but not when it wakes me up.
I gave up and got out of bed. Just as I was ready to go back to bed Gavin woke up. I resettled him as it was about 5:30. About 6:00 he started chattering, by 6:30 he started crying. About 6:31 I started crying. Ryan was in the shower so I had to get up.
By time he got out of the shower Gavin was in his high chair eating his cut up whole grain toaster waffle and milk and I was sitting in the middle of the living room crying. I just sorted his alphabooks and put them back in the box - I was too tired to try and find the two missing letters. Ryan came over and patted my back. I cried even more, "I'm so tired," and threw the box of alphabooks in Gavins empty kiddy chair. Then I blubbered on about hating pregnancy sounding a bit like the Muppet Beaker.
Ryan told me to go back to bed and I said I would try for an hour. I slept solidly for about 40 minutes - I could have slept much longer but I didn't want Ryan to miss work on my account. When I got up he said I could go back to sleep but I told him what I got was able to get me past the crazy state.
I drove Ryan to work and took Gavin and myself to Westwood Village to get him some sandals that don't fall off and me some shoes that don't give me calluses. On the way home Gavin started to fall asleep. I panicked when I saw that so I started handing him goldfish and talking chipper to him. Of all days to take a nap in the car today was not an option. I managed to keep him awake but just barely. Today is a day when a nap for him is required because I need a nap. But its not going to happen. He's in his crib fighting it right now as I write this. I hope it I write long enough he'll just go to sleep. How can he not take a nap? He woke up so early and was so grumpy - he needs a nap and I need him to take a nap.
I'm going to go and try to resettle him. Wish me luck.
And sleep.
And sanity.
****
Settle he did not. He was hungry. He ate some banana, a few raisins and one bite of the same rice he devoured last night. An hour later I was able to lay him back down. I'm waiting for him to fall asleep before I try - if I fall asleep and he wakes up screaming after 15 minutes it will be much worse than not sleeping at all.
So, I guess I pretty well covered the hate part of pregnancy. In a nutshell, I hate that I am operating on such little sleep that I am not able to fully enjoy my time with Gavin. I don't want to be mentally absent, crabby and sluggish in our last bit of time alone. Plus feeling so negative about pregnancy makes me feel like I'm being negative towards the little baby in me - and that I'm an ingrate for being blessed with this little life in me. To be clear - I am thrilled to have this little person in me but I'm less than thrilled with the many other physical manifestations of pregnancy.
Of course I hate that I'm not one of those women who just love pregnancy and everything that it comes with. Of course, most women who just love pregnancy seem to have no ill side effects beyond first trimester morning sickness. No swelling, no stretch mark, no aches and pains. I see them look at me with quizzical eyes when they sense my maternal glow is from being so darn hot and not from warm fuzzies floating about me. It seems odd to hate the very thing that brings you such a wonderful little human. One that will make you love deeper than you thought possible. One that will make you wonder how you ever lived without seeing a baby chomp on his own toes. One that will break your heart when it cries in pain.
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