Perspective

I just found out that a woman I used to work with has breast cancer. Heather is only two years older than me. We could have bumped into each other at the Swedish Breast Center where she was diagnosed as I've been going there off and on for 6 months now.

How different our stories are. I found a lump and had a biopsy. It was negative. She found a lump and had a biopsy. It was positive. Her form of cancer is super nasty and aggressive. She has so many decisions to make in such a short period of time, the ramifications of which are extraordinary. Should she freeze her eggs, freeze embryos, have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy?

Heather has a blog which she is sharing with everyone; I've included a link on my home page. Check it out. Reading her words is like taking a trip into her head; you really feel like you are with her on her journey through this disease. It is her hope that her transparency will help others who are going through this and that others may see themselves in her and get checked.


I don't know what to do or what to say to her. I want to be there for her, I want to help her. I do know that you aren't supposed to just say, "If there is anything I can do for you, just call." No one calls when they need help. So far she said she would take help with meals but she can't eat too many carbs and no meat. Does anyone out there have any good and tasty vegetarian recipes that are light on the carbs?

Is there anyone out there who has had cancer and can tell me how I can best be a friend during this time to someone with cancer? It seems asking Heather what she needs would be the obvious way to find out but this is so new to her that she may not even know what she needs. But then I feel like I'm being presumptuous. Argh. I guess even a friend has to muddle through, right?

If you decide you don't want to read her blog, that's fine, just be sure to do monthly breast exams, ladies. Early detection is so important. I saw a pamphlet at the Breast Center on my last visit, I think I still have it my purse. I had two pamphlets, the first is titled, "Have You Been to a Check Your Boobies Party?" the website is http://www.checkyourboobies.org/ My one beef with the pamphlet - they have a picture of a breast on one of the pages. It is a perfect boob. Why? Why not have a picture of a normal boob? Not that my much maligned boob looks normal now - nor am I offering my boob up for a photo shoot. It has scar tissue that will hopefully fade over time but I can't complain too much, now can I? Everything was negative.


The other pamphlet is for the organization American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I picked up the pamphlet while I was waiting at Than Brother's for my to go order of Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). A month or so ago I heard an advertisement on the radio for Out of the Darkness Overnight, a walk to raise awareness for suicide prevention (and depression, which, obviously can lead to suicide). The Seattle walk is June 21st. I don't think I'll be up for it since my foot will be newly out of the boot at that point so I can give it a plug here - go to TheOvernight.org for more information.


When I heard the advertisement for the walk I really wanted to participate because I want to help take away the stigma that our society gives to depression. It makes people uncomfortable to talk about depression and suicide and I think if we become more comfortable talking about it more people will seek help and less people will commit suicide.


It doesn't bother me to tell people that I take an antidepressant; it bothers people to hear that I take an antidepressant. I have taken various ones over the years. Drugs help me. So does the sun. I buy full spectrum light bulbs for our light fixtures in the house so my brain is tricked into thinking its getting more sun that it really is.


When we start trying for baby #2 I'm going to have to quit taking Zoloft. I wonder how I'm going to do without it. I've been pretty good about trying to connect with other mothers who have babies close to Gavin's age in an attempt to keep me sane. I try to leave the house every day and have contact with the outside world. I will probably have to double up on those efforts when we start trying to conceive. I'm sure I could do ok without drugs by making sure I get plenty of fresh air and exposure to the sun (or the rays that manage to break through the clouds that are present October 1st - July 5th), eat a well balanced diet, get lots of exercise and meditate daily.

It is so much easier to take a pill.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a horrible attitude but you know what? I know me. I know me pretty darn well. I am the kind of person who wishes her house was organized, that every paper clip had a home, where every scrap of paper was in its place, where every towel in the linen closet is folded perfectly, where every sock has its mate, all of the clothes in her closet are arranged by color then season and are all ironed and facing the same direction.


I want that but so long as it is my house and I'm in charge of it, it ain't happenin'. And you know what? I am coming to terms with that reality. I am 31 and I am just getting used to the idea that I don't have to be perfect to be happy. In my head I have always known that perfection is impossible and even if it were possible it wouldn't guarantee happiness but something, somewhere inside of me still believed that if I put my house in order then all will be well with my world.


I'm willing to settle for a clean house with a messy closet (or two). Now that I'm walking I am better able to clean the house but I'm still not 100%. Walking with this boot is not easy. I'm fooling myself into thinking that as soon as the boot comes off I will turn into Martha Stewart and start keeping house like a 'real' housewife. I bet my house would be only slightly cleaner than it is now if I was at home and didn't have Gavin to occupy my time.