Shattered Hearts

I learned of a little boy at my former church that has terminal cancer. All of his treatments failed. The cancer is in his brain and it is growing so fast that it was noticeably larger from a scan he had in the evening to a scan the next morning. His doctors said medicine wasn't going to help him anymore so now he is on hospice; he was given only a few days to live at the end of October.

Little Ben Towne is only 3 years old. He is hanging on but is heavily drugged to keep the pain at bay or to make it tolerable; I'm not sure. I don't know the family other than seeing the father, a pastor at the church, speak a few times. Even though I don't know them and have never met little Ben I frequent the website their hospital has set up for them in hopes of an update and while I'm reading I cry and cry and cry. I brace myself for the worst but so far there have been few updates - he is alive but is obviously deteriorating. I don't know how his parents are making it through each day other than to spend every last second they can with their sweet baby.

What would Ryan and I do in this situation? Ryan would quit his job and we would sell this house and we would move into our rental and live off of our savings so we could spend every last second with our baby. I would sell my wedding ring, our TV, our furniture - what ever it would take to get a cure. What would have any value if your baby died?

I pray at night while I'm nursing Gavin at bedtime for little Ben. I pray that God will eat his cancer. Every time I pray for Ben I ask God to eat the cancer. I don't know why I think of Him eating it. Maybe it's because it is so tucked away that only God can get to it? The only thing that will save Ben now is the hand of God. I keep thinking, "What are you waiting for, God? Just heal him already! Please!" Then I hold Gavin a little closer and pray that God keeps him healthy and whole.

The church I was raised in taught us that we are in control of our own lives. If we get sick it could be from an attack from Satan or we could have brought it on ourselves through our own lack of faith. We are also capable of being healed through our faith - we tell God to heal us then if we believe with 100% unwavering faith then we will be healed. If our faith wavered for even a nanosecond then we would have to start all over.

I now believe that theology is wrong, wrong, wrong and that it has warped my view of God and myself. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to my children. Would I blame myself? Would I think it was because of something I did or said? Or have I been out of that place long enough to see the truth?

Here is what I've learned from reading the bible: God can and will heal the sick. And God can not heal the sick. Good people can die young and evil people can live to be old. Life isn't fair; God never promised us a fair life; He did promise to love us and to give us eternal life with Him at the end of the life He gives to us.

What am I doing? I didn't write this to attack my former church but I can't write about illness and not dredge up those ways of thinking that were beat into me for so many years. Also, when something dire happens like is happening with Ben I want to believe what they taught me all of those years that if we pray long enough and hard enough and sincere enough that he will be healed. Because if I do all of that then Ben will live.

I do pray. I pray and I hope that God will answer this prayer for Ben's life to be spared. Thousands have prayed for him and thousands continue to pray; will you join in the fight? Will you pray for little Ben Towne? Will you, in your own way, ask God eat Ben's cancer?